“We are the sum total of our experiences.” – BJ Neblett
I’ve had many experiences. Lots of them make for fun-to-share stories. But there’s one experience that I spent years hiding from others. In December 2014, I made a life-altering decision to drive after drinking nearly a full bottle of Patrón tequila at a company holiday party.
Waking up in a parked car in the middle of an intersection at 2:55 a.m. to the tap on my window by a police officer, I began a long journey that ultimately would prove to deliver some of the most valuable gifts of my life.
But other than the blessing of not having physically hurt myself or anyone else, the gifts wouldn’t present themselves for some time.
First, deep shame, extreme embarrassment, new expenses, and loss of freedoms.
Days later, four of my direct reports each gave me a holiday gift. Independently and not knowing my recent experience, each had bought me a nice bottle of scotch. I will forever have an image burned into my soul of me standing at my desk viewing 4 bottles of brown liquid lined up and my employees standing around me, visible only by my peripheral vision but clearly looking festive. I, on the other hand, felt gutted. Absolutely gutted. For the first time in a long time, I saw clearly: alcohol had become my identity.
That was my rock bottom. The one thing I was able to cling to in the moment was a promise I made to my then-young sons the morning after my DUI. My younger son loved superheroes at the time, and I’d previously reveled in his belief that I might be one myself. As hard as it was to say, I told them that I’m no superhero but am a flawed human who made a big mistake. I promised them that I would show them what it looks like to turn your life around and become a better person in the process.
My journey now had a mission. And I had my first gift: a gift of inspiration, motivating me to make changes in my life that I otherwise would not have made.
Without that fateful night, I shudder to think what might have come of me. My alcohol addiction might have ultimately cost me my family, my freedom, or my life.
So why am I sharing this so broadly now? It’s the holiday season, a time for, among other things, giving and receiving gifts. And I’d like to share some of the gifts I’ve received directly or indirectly from my DUI in the hopes that others might also benefit from them.
I’ve already mentioned my gift of inspiration. Nine years have now passed. Now, not only am I sober, but I’m also happier and healthier (physically, emotionally, and mentally). I love the ‘unfinished product’ that I am, striving to continuously grow and be the best me I can be for myself and those I love and care about. I’m a better man, husband, father, friend, and overall human than I was in 2014.
I also received a gift of knowledge. To say this was a wake-up call is an understatement. I had major blind spots. While I undoubtedly still have areas where I lack self-awareness, some critical ones are now well within my field of vision. To name a few, I was unaware of the impact I was having on my wife and children. I was unaware of the identity I had created for myself. I was unaware of alcohol’s toll on my health and happiness. In fact, I was convinced that alcohol granted a necessary and earned escape that left my troubles behind.
Next up, I received a gift of power. The consequences of my actions that night were many. Some were imposed directly by the authorities: fees and fines, court appearances, group rehabilitation sessions, having to use a breathalyzer to start my car for two years after a 30-day license revocation, and more. There were also indirect consequences. I originally minimized those who knew about my DUI, so I had to constantly be proactive to come up with reasons not to drive others in my car (and to never use valet!). Going to work functions, family parties, and neighborhood events, I overcame what was initially very uncomfortable but over time became a non-issue: not drinking at events. I learned I didn’t need to drink to have fun, and I also learned that nobody really cared if I drank. The resulting gift? My behavioral transformation and the expansion of my comfort zone, both of which strengthened my powers of choice and intention.
Days ago, I attended another holiday party. This one wasn’t so different than the one I’d attended nine years earlier, with one exception: me. As I passed the trays of wine and beer and waited for the seltzer and lime I ordered, I spent a few moments silently reflecting on my journey. Thanking the bartender as I took my drink, a feeling of peace and happiness enveloped me. A small smile curled the edges of my mouth upward as I turned to another guest. I clinked their glass with mine and toasted to an abundance of gratitude.
So, with an abundance of gratitude, I’ll start with being grateful for all of my experiences, which have led me to be a better me. And while I have deep regret for the mistake I made that night, I’ll be forever grateful for the gifts that resulted from it. This holiday season, my hope for every person reading this is that you look for and find the gifts in your experiences. They’re there if you believe they’re there.
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